I've always been a geek about the human body, especially female physiology, the brain, why we behave the way we do, pushing limits. For years I lived that out fully. Coaching, training as a triathlete, running my own business, a run club that pulled in thirty-plus people most weeks. I was happier and more fulfilled than I'd ever been, and it showed. People at work started commenting on it. Such a glow. You're unstoppable, how are you doing all of this?
That lasted three and a half, four years. Energy breeding energy.
Then, for about six or seven months, something shifted.
I didn't feel like I had a sharp mind. I didn't feel on top of things outside work, and for someone as hyper-organised as me, that felt like losing a bit of my own identity. That started slipping, and nobody around me noticed. I still looked like I had it together and I did, right up until I very suddenly didn't.
A once in a lifetime trip to the other side of the world didn't fix it. Then, we went away for a weekend to celebrate my dad's remission. That same weekend, I became suddenly unwell and was admitted to hospital for two days.
It wasn't the hospital stay that showed me how much had changed. It was my daughter.
A few days after I got home, my youngest said to me: "Mama, I don't mean to be rude, but you are so boring since you came out of hospital." I'm the mum who plays chase, who's straight up on the trampoline. She had never seen me that still. Trivial Pursuit was too much for me.
Getting better meant going slowly, and that surprised me too.
Exercise, the thing I'd relied on more than anything else my whole adult life, was suddenly too much. Walking to get a glass of water. The thought of going upstairs. Even holding myself up straight to talk to someone drained the small amount of energy it took just to function.
It wasn't one thing that caused me to drift so far off course. It was an accumulation, a number of little things that on their own were small enough to ignore.
I am back to thriving now, not just surviving it. More clarity, more drive, more passion.